Elegance Versus Clarity

I'm an English Major, a senior in college. I'm attempting to improve my writing ability. In order to do this, I started a blog on gaming today. It's a subject I'm confident in, and I'm hoping that just by writing and analyzing my work, I'll develop my skill as a writer. Here is an excerpt from my first post:

" As you may be guessing at this point, being good with words does not equate to being intelligent, and I spent quite a bit of time thinking that I simply could not write about games because, unlike most people who I know who write about games, I can't afford them."

Lets clean it up a bit:

"By now you may have realized that being good with words does not mean I am an intelligent person. I've spent too much time believing that I can't write about games, owing to the fact I can't afford them. "

I tried to get the same point across and eliminate excess that did nothing to enforce this point. I assume most people understand a game critic can afford games

Which is better? I think the second passage is clearer. Using less commas and "ands" or "buts" makes the point easier to follow. these devices imply a change in the intended statement. On the other hand, the first may be more difficult to follow, but I think it flows better. When I imagine an elegant speaking voice, this is the voice that I speak in. I can only guess, but the nuances of spoken language could be the reason it's harder to follow. We are programmed to communicate verbally, written language is an invention, and so is more difficult to understand. That we read in an imaginary voice is a problem though, as in our voice, the meaning may change. I think that's why I over-use commas as well. Years of poetry classes have instilled in me the idea that a comma denotes a pause, a period denotes a stop. In writing prose, this is different.

Other issues I'm still having include mismatching tense (something that, along with plurality, I notice a lot of internet writers have ), and I still don't perfectly understand nominalization (the tendency to use the noun form instead of the verb form).

Example:

noun: They responded to me with outright refusal.

Verb: They refused me outright.

The second statement is more direct, and I've been told by professors that despite it's simplicity, it is stronger. I don't understand why. To my ear the first sentence sounds more elegant. Which should I use?